Ever found yourself inexplicably picking a fight with a perfectly lovely partner? Or perhaps you've noticed a pattern of gravitating towards relationships that feel… well, a bit turbulent? You're not alone. Sometimes, even when we consciously yearn for a healthy and fulfilling romance, our unconscious minds can steer us towards familiar, albeit unhealthy, patterns. It's a perplexing phenomenon, but one that psychotherapy research sheds valuable light on.

At its core, shame is an intensely painful feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unacceptable. It’s not just about doing something wrong (that’s guilt); it’s about being wrong. Think of guilt as saying, "I made a mistake," while shame whispers, "I am a mistake." This distinction, highlighted in the work of researchers like Brené Brown, is crucial. Shame attacks our very sense of self.

So, how does this potent emotion take root?