The Emotional Hangover: How Not Expressing Your Anger Is Making You Depressed
Keywords: suppressed anger, depression in men, male emotional repression, affect phobia, emotional honesty, anger management, mental health for men, integrated therapy
You’re not an angry person. You consider yourself calm, rational, and controlled. When something frustrating or unfair happens, you bite your tongue, clench your jaw, and move on. You're proud of your stoicism; you see it as a mark of maturity and self-control.
But lately, you haven't felt right. You're exhausted, withdrawn, and everything feels flat. You assume you're stressed, maybe suffering from low mood.
What if that heavy feeling isn't simple fatigue? What if the constant low mood or depression you’re experiencing is the emotional hangover of all the anger you've refused to feel and express?
In therapy, we often see that suppressed anger—anger that is denied, swallowed, or turned inward—is a major, hidden contributor to anxiety and depression, particularly for men struggling with the confines of the male gender script.
The Myth of Stoicism and the Cost of Containment
The male gender script dictates that anger is the only acceptable male emotion, but even then, it must be rigidly controlled or directed towards a constructive, external task (like building a business or winning a competition). Anger directed at people, especially loved ones, is often deemed unacceptable or aggressive.
This double bind forces men into a state of emotional containment. The underlying belief is often, "If I allow myself to feel this anger, I will lose control, and I will destroy my relationship, my reputation, or myself."
The problem? Emotions are energy. When you suppress an emotion, you don't eliminate its energy; you turn it inward. According to principles found in Affect Phobia Therapy (APT), this suppression becomes a defence mechanism. You are actively using energy to avoid the difficult feeling (the affect), and that exhausting, internal effort manifests as symptoms like fatigue, anxiety, and depression.
Think of it like trying to hold a heavy wrecking ball perfectly still with your bare hands. It takes every ounce of your focus and strength. That constant, exhausting effort drains your capacity for joy, connection, and productivity.
The Psychodynamics of Turned-In Anger
From a psychodynamic perspective, the emotion of anger is fundamentally about setting boundaries and asserting one's rights in the world. It’s an assertion of self.
When you suppress anger, you essentially concede ground. You allow the boundary violation to stand, and you sacrifice your own needs or sense of justice. This self-sacrifice leads to three damaging internal consequences:
Resentment: The external situation may be over, but the unfairness lives on inside you. This simmering resentment drains your energy and becomes a toxic emotional state.
Self-Blame: Since you couldn't express the anger outwards at the source of the frustration, the feeling turns into self-directed criticism and blame. Anger meant for the world becomes the fuel for your inner critic, reinforcing feelings of shame and unworthiness.
Depression: As the psychoanalyst Karl Abraham noted, depression can sometimes be understood as "grief over the loss of the self" or "anger turned inward." When you consistently silence your voice and swallow your feelings, you lose a vital part of your authentic self. The result is the heavy, lifeless state we call depression.
The Research: The Suppression Trap
Peer-reviewed research supports this link. Studies have shown a strong correlation between anger suppression and various physical and mental health issues, including hypertension and, critically, symptoms of depression and chronic anxiety. It's not the anger that's the issue; it's the avoidance of the feeling.
When researchers study emotional regulation, they find that healthy individuals don't avoid anger; they utilise strategies like cognitive reappraisal (changing how they think about the situation) and acceptance of the feeling, followed by adaptive expression (talking about it, setting a boundary). Suppression is consistently found to be the least effective, most detrimental strategy for long-term mental health.
Moving from Suppression to Assertion
The work is not to become explosively angry. It is to learn how to experience, tolerate, and then use the energy of anger to create positive change.
Acknowledge the Signal: When you feel that tension, that clench, stop and ask: What boundary has been crossed? What do I feel is unfair? Allow the energy of the anger to be present without immediate action.
Translate the Feeling to a Need: Anger is often a secondary emotion covering up a primary need for respect, closeness, or fairness. Translate the anger into a vulnerable need: "I am angry because I feel unheard," or "I am angry because I feel disrespected."
Assert a Boundary, Not an Attack: Use the power of anger to fuel a clear, calm assertion of your needs. Instead of attacking, state your boundary: "When you do X, I feel Y. Moving forward, I need Z to happen for me to feel respected." You are honouring your internal self and training others on how to treat you.
This process transforms the destructive cycle of suppression and depression into a healthy, assertive cycle of emotional honesty and relational growth. You get to keep your composure, but you no longer have to sacrifice your well-being to do it.
Is your low mood simply the sound of your suppressed anger echoing in an empty room? If you are tired of carrying the constant emotional hangover of all the things you didn't say, it's time to learn how to express your anger healthily and authentically. This work is about true self-respect. Reach out today to begin transforming suppression into genuine assertion.
Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.
References:
Abraham, K. (1911). Notes on the psychoanalytical investigation and treatment of manic-depressive insanity and allied conditions. Selected Papers on Psycho-Analysis. Hogarth Press.
Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.
McCullough, L., Ford, B. A., & Kaplan, A. (2019). Treating Affect Phobia: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.
Pyszczynski, T., Greenberg, J., & Solomon, S. (2003). In the wake of 9/11: The psychology of terror. American Psychological Association. (Covers how suppressing existential anxiety can lead to psychological defence mechanisms).
Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M., et al. (1998). The relationship between dispositional anger, coping, and symptom reports. Personality and Individual Differences, 24(3), 329-335.
