How to Feel Your Feelings (Without Them Overwhelming You)
We are often told that "it’s okay to not be okay." But for many of us—especially for many men raised under the traditional male script of stoicism and self-reliance—that advice feels hollow. Why? Because nobody actually tells us how to feel.
If you’ve spent a lifetime viewing emotions as a threat to your logic or your control, you likely oscillate between two extremes: Total Suppression (the "Emotional Hangover" where everything is pushed down until it numbs you) or Total Overwhelm (the "Flooding" where anger or anxiety hits like a tidal wave).
In therapy, we don't just talk about feelings; we learn the skill of Emotional Regulation. This isn't about "policing" your emotions—it’s about expanding your capacity to sit with them without being swept away.
The Window of Tolerance: Finding the Middle Ground
To understand why feelings feel "too much," we look to the concept of the Window of Tolerance, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel.
When you are within your "window," you can process information and emotions effectively. You feel "pushed" by life, but not "broken." However, if your window is narrow—often due to past relational trauma or a lack of emotional mirroring in childhood—you quickly flip into one of two states:
Hyperarousal (The Fight/Flight Zone): This is the flooding. Your heart races, your thoughts spin, and you feel a desperate need to do something—shout, fix, or run.
Hypoarousal (The Freeze/Numb Zone): This is the "shut down." You feel foggy, disconnected, and emotionally "dead." This is often where chronic people-pleasing and suppression lead.
The goal of therapy is not to eliminate these states, but to widen your window so you can stay "present" even when the emotional volume is turned up.
Affect Phobia: The Fear of Feeling
Many people struggle with what we call Affect Phobia—a term popularised by Leigh McCullough. This is essentially an "allergy" to certain internal feelings. If you were shamed for being sad as a child, your brain now perceives sadness as a danger signal. When sadness arises, your "anxiety alarm" goes off to protect you from the shame.
Ironically, the more you fear the feeling, the more overwhelming it becomes. By trying to "not feel," you create a pressure cooker environment. The "flooding" you experience isn't usually the original emotion (like grief or fear); it is the massive surge of inhibitory anxiety trying to keep that emotion down.
The Skill of Titration: Feeling in "Small Doses"
If you’ve been suppressed for years, you can’t simply "open the floodgates." You need to learn Titration. In chemistry, titration is the slow, drop-by-drop addition of one solution to another to reach a reaction without an explosion.
We do the same with emotions. Here is the framework for feeling without drowning:
1. Locate the Somatic Signal
Emotions are physiological before they are psychological. Instead of asking "Why am I angry?", ask "Where is the anger in my body?" Is it a tightness in your jaw? A heat in your chest? By focusing on the physical sensation, you move out of the "spinning" mind and into the "observing" body.
2. Name the Affect
Research shows that "labelling" an emotion—simply saying "This is fear" or "I am feeling overlooked"—reduces activity in the amygdala (the brain's fear centre). This is known as "Name it to Tame it."
3. Practice the "Five-Minute Rule"
When a difficult feeling arises, don't try to solve the problem. Just agree to sit with the physical sensation for five minutes. Breathe into the tightness. Observe it like a weather pattern. Most emotional waves peak and dissipate within 90 seconds if they aren't refuelled by "should-ing" or catastrophizing thoughts.
The Relational Shift
Ultimately, learning to feel your feelings is an act of Internal Security. When you trust yourself to handle the "weather" of your internal world, you no longer need to control the external world (or your partner) quite so rigidly. You become more resilient, more authentic, and—crucially—more present in your life.
Is your "Window of Tolerance" feeling dangerously narrow? If you find yourself constantly swinging between emotional numbing and explosive overwhelm, it’s a sign that your internal alarm system needs recalibrating. You don't have to navigate these waters alone. Reach out today to start the work of widening your window and reclaiming your emotional agency.
Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.
References:
McCullough, L., et al. (2003). Treating Affect Phobia: A Manual for Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy. Guilford Press. (For foundational theory on emotional avoidance).
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press. (For the Window of Tolerance concept).
Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science. (On the "Name it to Tame it" effect).
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow. (On the role of self-kindness in emotional regulation).
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. (On the somatic experience of emotion).
Keywords: emotional regulation, Affect Phobia, window of tolerance, emotional suppression, male mental health, psychodynamic therapy, grounding techniques, anxiety, emotional intelligence.
