From People-Pleaser to Authentically You: The Journey to Setting Boundaries
Do you often feel stretched thin, exhausted, and resentful, yet struggle to say "no" to a new commitment?
Do you find yourself agreeing with someone, only to walk away feeling like you betrayed your own judgment?
If you constantly prioritise the comfort and approval of others over your own needs, you are likely wearing the exhausting mask of the People-Pleaser.
People-pleasing is not kindness; it’s an unsustainable strategy for managing anxiety and fear. It’s the constant performance of agreement designed to guarantee one thing: safety from abandonment, rejection, or conflict.
In therapy, we understand that authentic relationships do not come from endless compliance. They come from having the courage to define, hold, and communicate your boundaries.
The Architecture of People-Pleasing: A Strategy of Survival
People-pleasing is often misunderstood as a personality trait when it is, in fact, a deeply ingrained survival strategy forged in early life.
This pattern is deeply rooted in Attachment Theory. If, as a child, your caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally volatile, or highly dependent on you for their emotional stability, you learned quickly that your primary job was to keep the peace. You learned to be hyper-attuned to the emotional state of others and to suppress your own needs to prevent a perceived threat (e.g., parental withdrawal, anger, or sadness).
As adults, this transforms into a chronic state of high alert:
The Fear: The primary anxiety is the fear of rejection or conflict. Conflict feels synonymous with relationship rupture.
The Goal: To become indispensable or perfectly agreeable so that no one ever has a "reason" to leave or disapprove of you.
The Cost: Chronic resentment, burnout, and emotional numbness, as your authentic self is permanently shelved.
The Problem of Counterfeit Self-Esteem
One of the most insidious effects of people-pleasing is the creation of Counterfeit Self-Esteem.
As psychotherapist and shame researcher, Dr. Brené Brown often highlights, many people build their worth on external achievement and approval. You might temporarily feel good when someone thanks you for doing a favour or praises you for taking on extra work. That feeling, however, is not genuine self-esteem; it is a fleeting fix of external validation.
Genuine self-esteem, on the other hand, comes from authenticity—the courage to let your true self be seen and respected. When you are a chronic people-pleaser, you are never truly seen. You are only seen as the highly agreeable, accommodating persona you present.
This directly relates to Carl Rogers' concept of Conditions of Worth (which we discussed previously). When you people-please, you are still operating as though your worth is conditional: "I am only worthy when I am meeting others' demands."
The Journey to Authenticity: Defining and Communicating Boundaries
The antidote to people-pleasing is setting effective boundaries. A boundary is not a wall to keep people out; it is a definition of where you end and another person begins.
Setting a boundary requires three core steps:
1. Internal Definition (The "What"):
You must first define your internal limits—your non-negotiables regarding time, energy, values, and emotional space. This requires tolerating the anxiety of self-focus.
2. Assertive Communication (The "How"):
This is the hardest part for the People-Pleaser. Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your needs clearly and respectfully without aggression or apology. The key is to separate your action (the boundary) from the emotion (the fear).
Boundary Example
Aggressive
"I won't do that; you're selfish for even asking."
(Attacking the person)
Passive
"Yes, fine, but I'll hate every minute of it."
(Suppressing your own needs)
Assertive
"I appreciate you asking me, but I have a commitment I need to honour that evening, so I won't be able to help."
(Clear, respectful, non-apologetic definition)
3. Tolerating the Relational Anxiety (The "Grown-Up Moment"):
When you set a boundary, the People-Pleaser expects a catastrophic relational fallout. The other person might express disappointment, sadness, or mild annoyance. This is where you must stand firm.
Your primary therapeutic task is to learn that another person’s disappointment is not a crisis you need to fix. It is simply their reaction, and it is manageable. By tolerating your own anxiety in that moment, you demonstrate to yourself that your relationship can withstand your authenticity.
This is the ultimate shift: moving from a place of fear-based compliance to self-respect-driven connection. This journey is where true relational strength and, ironically, true leadership capacity are found. Leaders who cannot set boundaries ultimately create cultures where nobody's time or effort is respected.
If reading this feels like a profound recognition, your first step is simple: For the next 48 hours, pause before you say "yes" to any new request. Instead, tell the person, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you in an hour." This small pause creates the psychological space you need to consult your authentic self (your true needs) instead of reflexively reacting from your anxiety (your inner people-pleaser).
If you are ready to dismantle this survival strategy and build genuine self-esteem, reach out to explore how therapy can help you define and honour the boundaries that will finally allow you to show up as your real, resilient self.
Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.
Keywords: inner critic, self-compassion, conditions of worth, male mental health, self-esteem, psychodynamic therapy, core beliefs, perfectionism, shame
References:
Abraham, K. (1911). Notes on the psychoanalytical investigation and treatment of manic-depressive insanity and allied conditions. Selected Papers on Psycho-Analysis. Hogarth Press.
Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.
McCullough, L., Ford, B. A., & Kaplan, A. (2019). Treating Affect Phobia: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.
Pyszczynski, T., Greenberg, J., & Solomon, S. (2003). In the wake of 9/11: The psychology of terror. American Psychological Association. (Covers how suppressing existential anxiety can lead to psychological defence mechanisms).
Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M., et al. (1998). The relationship between dispositional anger, coping, and symptom reports. Personality and Individual Differences, 24(3), 329-335.
