Stop "Should-ing" on Yourself: How Your Inner Critic Is an Unhelpful Friend

Keywords: inner critic, self-compassion, conditions of worth, male mental health, self-esteem, psychodynamic therapy, core beliefs, perfectionism, shame

That voice in your head. The one that wakes you up at 3 AM to itemise your failures. The one that whispers you're "lazy" if you take a break, or "stupid" if you make a mistake.

You call it your conscience. You might even believe it’s helping you—driving you towards success, preventing you from getting complacent.

I call it your Inner Critic, and frankly, it’s not your friend. It’s an unhelpful, aggressive saboteur rooted in your past. The toxic noise it generates is built almost entirely on the word "should."

"I should have worked harder." "I should be further along by now." "I should never let my family down."

If you’re struggling with self-esteem, anxiety, or burnout, it’s time to stop listening to this tyrannical voice and understand where it came from and why it lies to you.

The Architecture of the Critic: Conditions of Worth

To understand the Inner Critic, we must look at where those "shoulds" were first issued. They are, in fact, Conditions of Worth—a term coined by the Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers.

As children, we learned what we had to do or be to receive love, acceptance, or validation from our primary caregivers.

• If your parents praised your achievements but were cold to your feelings, your Condition of Worth became: "I must be successful to be worthy."

• If your primary job was to keep the peace, your Condition of Worth became: "I must be perfect and never cause conflict to be loved."

The Inner Critic is essentially the internalisation of these early voices. Psychodynamically, you could think of it as a punitive Superego—a part of the psyche that rigidly enforces the moral rules and expectations of childhood.

It keeps a tally sheet, and every time you fall short of a "should," the critic punishes you with shame, guilt, and self-loathing. This is its only function: to ensure you adhere to a rigid, outdated set of rules designed to keep you "safe" in a childhood environment that no longer exists.

The Male Script and the Shame Multiplier

For many men, the Inner Critic finds powerful ammunition in the Male Gender Script. The script demands stoicism, control, and, crucially, a continuous display of status and competence.

When the Inner Critic screams, "You’re a failure!" after a career setback or a relational mistake, it is interpreted not just as an error, but as an identity crisis. The shame is doubled:

1. The Failure Itself: The mistake is evidence that you are not perfect.

2. The Gender Script: The feeling of shame/sadness is evidence that you are "weak" or "not man enough."

This vicious cycle forces men to engage in perfectionism (an avoidance strategy) or suppression (an emotional defence), ensuring that the Inner Critic only gets louder because the genuine needs of the self are never met. The Inner Critic is the primary psychological tool used to enforce the toxic mandates of the male script.

From Self-Blame to Self-Compassion

The common response to the Inner Critic is to fight it, argue with it, or try to achieve your way out of its accusations. These strategies never work.

The therapeutic answer lies not in achievement, but in Self-Compassion. This concept, championed by researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, is the direct antidote to the Inner Critic.

Neff's research shows that self-compassion is comprised of three core components:

1. Self-Kindness: Treating yourself with warmth and understanding when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than punishing yourself.

2. Common Humanity: Recognising that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience—not something that happens only to you because you are uniquely flawed.

3. Mindfulness: Observing your painful thoughts and feelings without suppressing or over-identifying with them.

Crucially, studies consistently show that self-compassion is more strongly associated with psychological health (reduced anxiety and depression) and motivation than self-esteem based on achievement. When you are kind to yourself after a mistake, you are less afraid to try again.

Externalising the Voice: The Path to Freedom

You cannot silence the Inner Critic, but you can change your relationship with it. In therapy, we work to externalise that voice—to pull it out of your subjective self and examine it as an object.

Instead of thinking, "I am a failure," you learn to say, "My Inner Critic is saying that I am a failure right now."

This simple mental shift creates distance. Once externalised, you can challenge the voice, question its motives, and ultimately choose to comfort the person it is punishing—your authentic self. This is the act of psychological separation that allows you to finally choose your own values over the borrowed, punitive "shoulds" of your past.

Are you ready to stop letting the outdated, punitive demands of your Inner Critic dictate your self-worth? The first step is to recognise that voice for what it is: an echo of the past, not the truth of the present. If you are tired of the constant battle and ready to embrace a kinder, more resilient form of strength, reaching out for therapy is the essential first step to putting that inner judge on permanent mute.

Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.

---

References:

• Abraham, K. (1911). Notes on the psychoanalytical investigation and treatment of manic-depressive insanity and allied conditions. Selected Papers on Psycho-Analysis. Hogarth Press.

• Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.

• McCullough, L., Ford, B. A., & Kaplan, A. (2019). Treating Affect Phobia: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.

• Pyszczynski, T., Greenberg, J., & Solomon, S. (2003). In the wake of 9/11: The psychology of terror. American Psychological Association. (Covers how suppressing existential anxiety can lead to psychological defence mechanisms).

• Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M., et al. (1998). The relationship between dispositional anger, coping, and symptom reports. Personality and Individual Differences, 24(3), 329-335.