The Green-Eyed Monster: Why Jealousy Is Normal (But Controlling Behaviour Isn't)
Let’s be direct: You feel jealous. You see your partner talking a little too closely to someone else, or you notice a subtle shift in their attention, and that familiar, tight knot forms in your gut. Maybe it's a cold spike of fear, or a hot rush of suspicion.
If you’re like many men, you immediately feel a second, more painful emotion: Shame.
You tell yourself, "I shouldn't feel this. It's weak. It's insecure." And if you’ve ever acted on that feeling—by questioning your partner, checking their phone, or withdrawing entirely—you’ve likely been accused of being controlling. That accusation stings, and it reinforces the narrative that you are simply "not enough."
We need to stop weaponising the emotion of jealousy against men. It is a fundamental, human emotion. It is neither good nor bad. But how you respond to it can be the difference between a secure partnership and a destructive one.
Jealousy is Not a Moral Failure—It’s an Alarm System 🚨
Let's start by normalising the feeling itself.
From an Evolutionary Psychology perspective, emotions aren't random; they are deeply-rooted survival mechanisms. Researchers like David Buss have long argued that jealousy, particularly in heterosexual relationships, can be viewed as an adaptive mechanism—a highly sensitive internal alarm system designed to protect a valuable bond.
For males, this alarm is often linked to paternal certainty or mate guarding. Historically, a male's investment (time, resources, protection) was only worthwhile if he could be reasonably certain the offspring was his. Jealousy, in this ancient context, served as an internal signal to monitor threats to the relationship.
Now, we live in a civilised, modern world, and our relationships are built on trust and mutual respect, not survival instincts. However, that primal alarm system is still hardwired into your brain. When you feel a threat to your connection, the alarm goes off.
The core message is this: That initial feeling of jealousy is simply information. It signals that something you value—your attachment, your security, your relationship—feels threatened.
The Male Gender Script: When Shame Turns the Volume Up
For men, the experience of jealousy is often amplified by the pressures of the Male Gender Script. This script tells you to be strong, stoic, and in control.
When the emotion of jealousy arises, it fundamentally clashes with this script:
Jealousy feels like loss of control: Your security is reliant on another person's free will. This is terrifying to the man who must always be "in charge."
Jealousy feels like neediness: It reveals a vulnerability—a deep-seated fear of loss or replacement. This is interpreted as weakness.
Shame as Proof: When you feel jealous, the internal critic uses it as evidence: "A real man wouldn't feel this weak. This proves you aren't enough." This crushing shame is often what triggers the unhealthy, coercive behaviours you want to avoid.
The problem isn't the signal; it’s the defence mechanism used to manage the shame. Coercion, checking-up, demanding reassurance, or withdrawing emotionally are all attempts to shut down the anxiety of the jealousy. They are desperate (and ultimately failing) attempts to establish control over an uncontrollable situation.
From Alarm Bell to Action Plan: A Healthy Response
The work of a mature adult is not to eliminate jealousy, but to mentalise it—to observe the feeling and choose a conscious, healthy response instead of a knee-jerk, controlling reaction.
This involves three key steps:
1. Internalise the Emotion, Externalise the Behaviour
Acknowledge the feeling without judgement. Say to yourself, "I am feeling jealousy right now because I am afraid of losing this relationship. That is a normal human response."
Then, stop the immediate impulse to act on your partner. The feeling belongs to you; your partner is not responsible for regulating it.
2. Get Curious About the Source
Instead of jumping straight to your partner ("Who was that? What were you talking about?"), ask yourself:
What exactly am I afraid of losing? (Security, connection, value?)
What does this feeling remind me of? (Does it connect to past feelings of abandonment or being left out?)
Is this alarm bell a realistic reflection of the situation, or an echo of an old wound?
3. Communicate a Vulnerable Need, Not a Coercive Demand
If you need to talk to your partner, lead with your vulnerability, not your accusation.
Don't say: "You spend too much time with your friends. It's disrespectful. You need to stop." (Coercive Demand)
Do say: "I notice that when you spend a lot of time away, I feel a surge of insecurity and loneliness. I'm telling you this because I want to deal with it in a healthy way. Could we talk about how we manage our time to ensure we both feel connected?" (Vulnerable Need)
When the Alarm is Right: Boundary Setting
Here is the essential nuance: Sometimes, the alarm bell is correct. Sometimes, your honest reflection confirms that what you've witnessed—whether it's emotional distance, a breach of agreed-upon communication rules, or inappropriate intimacy with a third party—is genuinely a credible threat to the relationship's agreed-upon terms.
In this instance, the mature response is not to control your partner, but to restate and enforce your own boundary.
A boundary is not a rule for your partner's behaviour; it is a statement of what you will do if your needs are not met.
Be Clear and Calm: Once you have processed the jealousy and identified the specific threat, you must communicate your non-negotiable needs with calm authority. This is a conversation about the health of the relationship, not a fight about their character.
State the Boundary: Define what you need for safety. For example: "For me to feel secure in this relationship, I need to know that all non-essential communication with ex-partners is conducted via text and is clearly agreed upon."
State the Consequence (Your Action): This is the crucial step. You state what you will do if the boundary is crossed. This is not a threat; it is a statement of self-respect. "If that boundary is breached again, I will need to reassess the viability of this relationship because my need for emotional safety is not being met."
This final step moves you from being a person desperately fixing an external problem to an individual valuing and protecting his own emotional security. You are taking responsibility for your well-being, which is the definition of strength, entirely dismantling the shame of insecurity.
Jealousy is a flashlight pointing to an unmet need or an old relational wound. Don't smash the flashlight; pick it up and see what it's illuminating within you. If you're ready to stop earning your worth by controlling others and start defining your worth by honouring your own boundaries, reach out. The work starts when you choose genuine security over desperate control.
Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.
