"Be a Man": The Three Words That Are Hurting Men's Mental Health
Keywords: male mental health, toxic masculinity, men's therapy, emotional suppression, male gender roles, shame, vulnerability, John Barry, emotional intelligence for men
You’ve heard it, probably since childhood: "Be a man."
Three seemingly simple words. Three words loaded with centuries of expectation, tradition, and often, unacknowledged pain. On the surface, it sounds like an instruction to be strong, capable, and resilient. But for countless men, this cultural command becomes a silent killer of emotional well-being, pushing them towards isolation and deepening their struggles with mental health.
As a psychotherapist, I've seen firsthand how this ingrained message fuels a relentless pressure to conform, leading to what Dr. John Barry calls the male gender script. This script dictates that men must be independent, stoic, competitive, and above all, emotionally invulnerable. And it’s slowly, quietly, hurting men.
The Unspoken Rules of the Male Gender Script
The male gender script isn't just about what you do; it’s about what you don’t do.
Don't show weakness: Crying is for children. Fear is for cowards. Vulnerability is a fatal flaw.
Don't ask for help: Real men solve their own problems. Asking for support is an admission of failure.
Don't express emotions (especially sadness or fear): Anger is sometimes tolerated, but deeper, more complex emotions are to be suppressed, hidden, or denied.
Always be in control: Of yourself, your emotions, your circumstances. To lose control is to lose your very identity as a man.
This relentless pressure creates a profound affect phobia in men—a deep-seated avoidance of their own emotional experiences. If emotions like sadness or fear are deemed "unmanly," they become internal threats to be suppressed at all costs. The consequence? Those emotions don't disappear; they manifest as something else: chronic anger, irritability, anxiety, substance misuse, or profound depression.
The Cost of Emotional Suppression: A Psychodynamic Perspective
From a psychodynamic perspective, every emotion carries vital information. It's a signal. When you shut down one emotion, you often numb yourself to others too. This leads to a flattened emotional landscape, where joy, connection, and intimacy also suffer.
Instead of processing difficult feelings, men often resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms:
Workaholism: A relentless pursuit of achievement (often linked to the importance of status for men) to avoid internal discomfort.
Substance Misuse: Alcohol or drugs become a quick, albeit destructive, way to numb the feelings that "real men" aren't supposed to have.
Aggression or Irritability: Unprocessed sadness or fear often gets converted into anger, which is a more "acceptable" male emotion according to the script.
Isolation: The fear of being seen as "weak" leads to withdrawing from friends, family, and even partners, deepening feelings of loneliness.
This emotional suppression doesn't just harm the individual; it corrodes relationships. How can true intimacy flourish when one partner is constantly hiding significant parts of themselves? It creates distance and resentment, leaving both parties feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Dr. John Barry and the Importance of Status
Dr. John Barry, a leading researcher in male psychology, highlights the crucial role of status for men. The male gender script often intertwines self-worth with external achievement and perceived social standing. When men feel they are failing to meet these arbitrary standards—failing at work, struggling in relationships, or simply not feeling "on top"—it impacts their mental health profoundly.
The shame associated with not measuring up, with falling short of the "Be a man" ideal, drives men away from seeking help. Admitting a struggle feels like a direct assault on their status and, therefore, their very identity. This leads to what Barry calls the "male mental health paradox": men suffer greatly from mental health issues, but are less likely to seek professional help due to internalised shame and perceived weakness.
Breaking the Silence: Reclaiming Emotional Strength
Challenging the "Be a man" script isn't about becoming "less masculine." It's about redefining what true strength looks like. True strength isn't the absence of feeling; it's the capacity to feel fully, acknowledge your vulnerability, and respond to it constructively.
This involves:
Permission to Feel: Understanding that all emotions—fear, sadness, anxiety, joy, anger—are legitimate human experiences. They are not weaknesses; they are information.
Learning to Mentalise: Developing the ability to observe your feelings and thoughts without being overwhelmed by them. "I am feeling sadness right now" is different from "I am sad." The former allows for choice; the latter is engulfing.
Seeking Support: Recognising that asking for help isn't a sign of failure, but an act of profound courage and self-care. It's a step towards building genuine resilience, not a retreat from it.
By breaking free from the suffocating confines of the male gender script, men can access a richer, more authentic, and ultimately more fulfilling life, both for themselves and in their relationships. It's about becoming a whole man, not just half of one.
Are you tired of carrying the silent burden of "being a man"? If the pressure to always be strong is weighing you down, it's time to redefine strength on your own terms. Taking the first step to talk about what's really going on is a revolutionary act of self-care. Reach out today to explore a different path to mental well-being.
Crucible Personal Development is a private psychotherapy and counselling practice in Preston, Lancashire.
References:
Barry, J. (2018). Male Psychology: An Introduction. Wiley Blackwell.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
Buss, D. M. (1994). The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. Basic Books.
McCullough, L., Ford, B. A., & Kaplan, A. (2019). Treating Affect Phobia: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.
Mitchell, S. A. (1988). Relational Concepts in Psychoanalysis: An Integration. Harvard University Press.
